Confessions of a Control Freak
Thursday, November 11th, 2010The audio portion of this broadcast is no longer available on-line.
|
Printer-friendly version
Send to friendI have to confess that I am–or I can be–a control freak!
What is a control freak?
The dictionary defines a freak as “a person who has withdrawn from normal, rational behavior and activities to pursue one interest or obsession.” So when we talk about a control freak, we’re talking about a person who has gone beyond the normal rational desire of most people to have some control in their lives.
Another definition is: “Control freaks are people who care more than you do about something and won’t stop at being pushy to get their way.”
You may not be a control freak in every area of your life, but only in certain areas where you care more about something than others do. It may be the way your scrambled eggs are prepared, the way someone answers the phone at work, the way you line your shoes up in the closet–anything you can imagine. If you care more than others do about that thing and you’re willing to be pushy and obstinate and vocal about it, then you’re a control freak. You know, if you think of it that way, most everybody is a Control Freak some of the time.
A certified control freak–one who cares about everything more than others do and wants to be in control of everything and everyone–can be a scary person! This person is not happy until and unless she feels that she has her life under her control in every area.
So, on the continuum of control freaks, a person can go from very mild/very seldom to very severe/all the time! Where do you think you are on this spectrum? I probably skew toward the severe end, but having recognized these tendencies, I’ve begun praying about them. As Christians, our goal should be to be a control freak–but one who is controlled by God’s Spirit in every area of our lives.
Webster’s defines a control freak as “a person whose behavior indicates a powerful need to control people or circumstances in everyday matters.”
Why is control so important to us?
We have bought into the belief that if we are in control in every area of our lives, then we can make our lives just the way we want them. And that implies that we know exactly what is good and what isn’t. This is a self-delusion because only God has that kind of wisdom. Control is important to us because we don’t trust others, including God, to do what we would want done. Wanting to have control indicates that we have an unfounded and false trust in ourselves!
In addition, control freaks want to be in control because they think:
- It will give them a sense of order.
- It will make them feel that all is well.
- It will take uncertainty out of the picture.
- It will calm their fears.
If we want to change our control freak tendencies, we first need to understand what causes us to want to have control. And the most common cause is fear.
Fear of the future, the unknown.
- Fear of what others will or will not do.
- Fear of being embarrassed or ridiculed.
- Fear of failure.
- Fear of insignificance.
Romans 8:15 says: For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.
When we are slaves to fear, it will often produce in us this “powerful need to control people or circumstances,” and before we know it, we’re control freaks out of fear. If there is some fear in your heart today that causes you to have an unhealthy need for control, you can know freedom from that fear by first identifying it, and then recognizing that it is a spirit from the enemy, because God does not give us a spirit of fear. He gives us a spirit of power and love and self-discipline, as we read in 2 Timothy 1:7.
Years ago I recognized my fear of allowing God to dictate the path my life would take, because I feared his path would not be the one I wanted to take. It took far too many years for me to recognize this for what it was–true arrogance–but after controlling my life right into the ground, making many poor choices and decisions, I finally gave the control back to Jesus. And what a difference that has made!
Now, even if you don’t consider yourself a total control freak, I’m sure you will admit that there are areas in your life and times when you definitely want to be in control.
Another cause of our controlling nature is pride. We truly believe we can run our lives better than anyone else, including God. Now, you probably haven’t voiced it that way, or even thought of it that way, but isn’t it true that when we want to be in control, it’s because we think we can run the show better than anyone else?
Paul wrote to the Romans: For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you (Romans 12:3).
If you think that being in control of your life will mean that everything will be the way you want it to be, you are thinking of yourself more highly than you ought. Take it from one who tried it: If you insist on being in control of your life, you will end up making a mess. I tried to control my life for ten long years, and not only did it take me into a sinful lifestyle, in the end I never got what I thought I had to have. That’s because only God has the wisdom and knowledge to guide us into good paths.
Proverbs 11:2 says: When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Another reason we want control is simply because we are selfish. We see life as all about us. Selfishness comes easy for us; you don’t have to teach a child to be selfish. If you have signs of excessive control tendencies, ask yourself if it’s because you just want what you want when you want it! You want the world to revolve around you, meet your expectations, fulfill your dreams.
James 3:16 says: Where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
Jesus said it is when we lose our life that we find it. And that includes losing–or giving up–control of our life to the lordship of Jesus Christ.
Researchers tell us that feeling in control is vital to mental and physical health. It is one of the key traits of happy people. That doesn’t mean you think you can control everything in your life; it doesn’t mean you are a control freak. It simply means that you don’t live your life in out-of-control mode.
What does it take to cultivate healthy control without becoming a control freak? We must choose to control the controllable and let go of the uncontrollable. It means we must learn to defer gratification, and put a clamp on our impulses.
Proverbs 25:28 says, Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. And again in Proverbs 29:11: A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
Self-control is one of the fruits of the Spirit. It should be evident in the life of a believer. A person who is that kind of a “control freak” is a blessing. Here are the good things about a person who is intent on being controlled by God’s Spirit:
She controls her tongue
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
(Proverbs 10:19)
He controls his reactions
He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
She controls her anger
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
He controls his body
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
She controls her sinful nature.
Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. (Romans 6:19)
You are a blessing when you are being controlled by God’s Spirit.
How do we deal with others in our lives who are trying to control us? Getting angry or sarcastic doesn’t help. Giving in and doing it their way all the time is not a good approach. What should you do?
You don’t have to allow yourself to be controlled. No one can control you if you refuse to let them. Many people allow control freaks to ruin their lives–or their days, or their jobs–because they are not willing to stand up to that control freak, have a confrontation, and take control themselves.
So, if there is a control freak in your life who is trying to control you, pray about what you need to do to stand up to this person and send the message that you will not be under their control. It must be done in love, in gentleness, without malice or anger. But you need to do it.
For example, one of the controls freak’s favorite tools is criticism. They have learned that if you’re not quick to contend with criticism, you can be controlled by a critical or negative word. When they criticize or offer negative comments, be willing to listen but if you know it’s just another controlling attempt on their part, smile, say thank you, and just keep going. You can communicate through your response, quietly and nicely, that they just can’t control you that way any longer.
We can all put up with some controlling tendencies in others here and there. It’s a part of getting along with people. But with some people, the controlling goes too far. Anytime you feel threatened, setup, in danger, or abused, they have crossed the line and you must be willing to take a stand.
There is much more that could be said about being a control freak or dealing with a control freak, but I hope these thoughts have been helpful.
